We’ve all been there: staring at your phone at 6:45 a.m., knowing you have a full day of meetings, deadlines, or that one coworker who breathes too loudly, and suddenly your brain starts brainstorming the most creative (and completely fabricated) excuses imaginable.
Here are 20 hilariously over-the-top, zero-chance-of-working-but-fun-to-say-out-loud reasons to call out sick. Use at your own risk—HR might start keeping a bingo card.
- “My goldfish just had an existential crisis and I need to be there for him emotionally.”
(He’s been staring at the castle decoration for 48 hours straight whispering “Is this all there is?”) - “I accidentally joined a cult last night on TikTok Live and they’re picking me up in 20 minutes for the initiation ceremony.”
(They said it’s mandatory and there’s free Kool-Aid.) - “My smart fridge locked itself and is now holding my breakfast hostage until I pay the ransom in Bitcoin.”
(It’s demanding 0.003 BTC or it’s going to spoil everything.) - “I’m convinced my house is haunted and the ghost specifically asked for today off.”
(He left a very polite note on the mirror in condensation.) - “I tried to deep-clean my keyboard and now all the keys are glued together with spilled energy drink.”
(I can only type in Comic Sans forever.) - “My horoscope said ‘beware of productivity today’ and I don’t want to tempt fate.”
(Mercury is in Gatorade or something—I’m not risking it.) - “I’m currently being held hostage by my cat who is sitting on my chest and refuses to move.”
(She’s purring menacingly. Send help… or treats.) - “I binge-watched medical dramas all weekend and now I have every symptom known to man.”
(I’m 87% sure I have Grey’s Anatomy-itis.) - “My Wi-Fi is having an identity crisis and thinks it’s a toaster.”
(It keeps trying to make toast instead of connecting.) - “I accidentally time-traveled to 1998 and now I’m stuck reliving dial-up internet.”
(The screeching modem sound is giving me flashbacks.) - “My alarm clock and I got into a huge fight and it’s giving me the silent treatment.”
(It won’t go off anymore out of spite.) - “I’m practicing for the World Procrastination Championships and today is the qualifier.”
(I’ve been putting off entering for three years—today’s the day.) - “A flock of geese just claimed my driveway as their new migration route.”
(They’re very territorial and honk aggressively at cars.) - “I tried a new recipe and now my kitchen smells like regret and burnt dreams.”
(The fire department said it’s not an emergency, but my self-esteem disagrees.) - “My left sock has gone missing and I can’t morally leave the house unbalanced.”
(We’ve been together since 2017. This is a crisis.) - “I’m convinced the moon is in retrograde and it’s messing with my vibes.”
(Also Mercury, Venus, and apparently my neighbor’s dog.) - “I read my tea leaves this morning and they spelled out ‘stay home or else.’”
(I’m not about to argue with soggy chamomile.) - “My plants are staging a protest because I forgot to water them yesterday.”
(They’ve started wilting dramatically and whispering “unionize.”) - “I’m currently in a staring contest with my reflection and I can’t back down now.”
(It’s been 47 minutes. I’m winning, but barely.) - “My future self just texted me from 2032 and said ‘don’t go in today—trust me.’”
(He also said the coffee machine breaks at 10:17 a.m. Coincidence? I think not.)
Key Takeaways
These funny reasons to call out of work are obviously terrible in real life (and most bosses have heard them all), but they’re perfect for group chats, memes, or that moment when you need to make your friends laugh instead of actually using them.
If you’re really feeling under the weather, just be honest—most managers appreciate “I’m sick and contagious” over elaborate fiction. But if you ever do need to call out, keep it simple, polite, and believable… unless you’re going for the legendary “my goldfish had an existential crisis” story that lives forever in workplace lore.
Stay safe, stay hydrated, and maybe don’t actually use #7 if your boss follows you on Instagram.
