100 Reasons why I Hate you

Look, let’s be real—hate is a strong word. But sometimes the little things pile up until they feel massive, and suddenly you’re mentally drafting a 100-item list at 2 a.m. because your brain refuses to let go of the fact that someone keeps stealing the good parking spot, pronouncing “gif” wrong, or—worst of all—eating the last slice without even asking.

This isn’t a serious takedown. It’s not therapy. It’s not even petty revenge (okay, maybe a little petty revenge). It’s just a ridiculous, over-the-top, absurdly long roast of every tiny, infuriating habit that makes me want to scream into a pillow. Some are universal annoyances we’ve all endured. Some are hyper-specific to you. And yes, a few are completely made up for dramatic effect.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Wait… is this about me?” — congratulations, you’ve been personally victimized by your own behavior. If not, enjoy the chaos from a safe distance.

So here it is: 100 Reasons Why I Hate You — the unfiltered, unhinged, unnecessarily detailed edition. Buckle up. It’s going to be stupidly long, mostly unfair, and 100% for entertainment purposes only.

(And yes… I still love you. Barely. But I do.)

1. You always take the last slice of pizza like it’s your birthright.
2. Your laugh sounds like a hyena choking on a kazoo.
3. You breathe too loudly when we’re watching movies.
4. You say “sup” instead of hello every single time we meet.
5. You leave dishes in the sink for three days and call it “soaking.”
6. You pronounce “gif” with a hard G. Criminal.
7. You text back “k” and think that’s a full sentence.
8. You hog the armrest on every flight/bus/couch.
9. You chew with your mouth open like you’re auditioning for a nature documentary.
10. You always ask “are you mad at me?” when you’re the one who did something wrong.
11. Your playlists are 90% songs that make me want to yeet myself out a window.
12. You borrow my charger and return it at 3% battery.
13. You say “I’m almost there” when you’re still in bed.
14. You leave passive-aggressive Post-it notes instead of just talking to me.
15. You put milk in before the cereal. Psychopath behavior.
16. You talk during the best parts of shows and then ask what happened.
17. You “clean” by shoving everything into one drawer.
18. You use my shampoo and then deny it while your hair smells like coconut.
19. You always pick the slowest checkout line on purpose.
20. You say “we need to talk” in a text and then go silent for 4 hours.
21. Your sneeze is unnecessarily dramatic and loud.
22. You leave half-drunk water bottles everywhere like landmines.
23. You call me “bro” when we’re supposed to be serious.
24. You take forever to decide what to eat and then blame me for the wait.
25. You leave the lights on in every room like electricity is free.
26. You sing off-key in the shower and think you’re Mariah Carey.
27. You “forget” to pay me back for that coffee three months ago.
28. You always interrupt me mid-sentence to tell a worse story.
29. You use my Netflix profile and ruin my recommendations forever.
30. You say “it’s fine” when it’s clearly not fine.
31. Your idea of “helping” is standing there watching me struggle.
32. You leave voicemails that are just breathing for 30 seconds.
33. You put empty containers back in the fridge.
34. You always pick the seat directly in front of me in class/theater.
35. You ask me questions while I’m clearly in the middle of something important (like scrolling TikTok).
36. You pronounce “nuclear” as “nucular.” Still hurts.
37. You take the good parking spot and then act surprised when I glare.
38. Your dog likes you more than me and it’s personal.
39. You always finish my sentences wrong.
40. You leave group chats on read for days.
41. You microwave fish at work. War crime.
42. You say “no offense but…” and then say something deeply offensive.
43. You leave your socks everywhere like breadcrumbs to nowhere.
44. You always pick the most complicated coffee order when the line is long.
45. You ghost plans we made months ago and then act like it never happened.
46. Your ringtone is the most annoying sound known to humanity.
47. You always “borrow” my pens and never return them.
48. You eat the last yogurt and put the empty container back.
49. You talk about your ex every time we hang out.
50. You leave the toilet seat up/down in the exact way that annoys me most.
51. You say “I’m 5 minutes away” when you’re 25 minutes away.
52. Your hugs are too long and sweaty.
53. You always win at board games and gloat like it’s the Olympics.
54. You leave your hair in the shower drain like a crime scene.
55. You pronounce “croissant” like “cruh-sant.”
56. You always take the last sip of my drink “just to try it.”
57. You complain about being cold but refuse to wear a jacket.
58. You leave your phone on full volume with no headphones in public.
59. You always pick the movie I hate and then fall asleep halfway through.
60. Your idea of “cooking” is boiling water and calling it gourmet.
61. You always ask for a bite after I already said no.
62. You leave the cap off the toothpaste every single time.
63. You talk in your sleep and say weird things about llamas.
64. You always lose my stuff and then say “it was probably you.”
65. You sing along to songs you don’t know the words to. Loudly.
66. You leave the AC on high when it’s freezing outside.
67. You always take the last parking spot and then wave like it’s a favor.
68. Your text tone is always sarcastic even when you’re serious.
69. You leave dishes “to soak” until they grow new life forms.
70. You always pick the most inconvenient time to have deep conversations.
71. You say “trust me” right before doing something dumb.
72. Your laugh is contagious… in the worst way.
73. You always forget your wallet and “promise to Venmo later.”
74. You leave half-eaten food on the counter overnight.
75. You always take the elevator when we’re only going one floor.
76. Your playlists skip every good song.
77. You always say “one more episode” and then we watch five.
78. You leave your shoes in the middle of the doorway.
79. You always ask “what do you want to eat?” and reject every suggestion.
80. Your alarm goes off at 5 a.m. on weekends for no reason.
81. You always steal the blankets and then deny it.
82. You talk with food in your mouth and expect me to understand.
83. You always pick the longest checkout line on purpose.
84. Your idea of “cleaning” is moving mess from one room to another.
85. You always say “I’m fine” when you’re clearly not.
86. You leave your gym bag in the living room and it smells like regret.
87. You always take the last yogurt and act surprised.
88. Your texting style is one-word replies.
89. You always forget to flush.
90. You leave the fridge door open while deciding what to eat.
91. You always pick fights over nothing at 2 a.m.
92. Your sneezes are weaponized.
93. You always borrow my headphones and return them tangled.
94. You say “we’ll see” when you mean “no.”
95. You always take the good side of the bed.
96. Your cooking experiments end in smoke alarms.
97. You always leave the lights on when you leave the room.
98. You say “later” and mean “never.”
99. You always win arguments by being louder.
100. Because even after all of this… I still can’t stay mad at you.

There you have it—100 reasons, give or take a few dramatic exaggerations, why you drive me up the wall on a daily basis.

From the way you chew like a cow auditioning for a farm documentary, to the passive-aggressive “k” texts, to the eternal mystery of who keeps leaving empty yogurt containers in the fridge like some kind of performance art piece… you’ve earned every single bullet point.

• Read 100 Funny Reasons Why People Broke Up

And yet.

After typing all 100 of them, I still ended up back at number 100: Because even after all of this… I still can’t stay mad at you.

That’s the most infuriating part. You’re annoying, chaotic, loud, forgetful, messy, late, and occasionally a straight-up menace… and somehow you’re still the person I text first when something funny (or awful) happens. You’re the one I call when I need to vent, the one who knows exactly how I take my coffee, the one who makes even the worst days feel a little less heavy.

So yeah—I hate you. I hate the way you hog the blankets, the way you win every argument by being louder, the way you always take the last sip of my drink “just to try it,” the way you leave your shoes in the doorway like booby traps.

But mostly… I hate how much I don’t actually hate you at all.

Thanks for being the most aggravating, ridiculous, irreplaceable person in my life. Now go buy more pizza. And this time, leave me the last slice. Or else number 101 is coming.